The Saga of the Outhouse, Part 1

Jay and I love to host BBQs at our place. I use the term BBQ loosely. Maybe they should be called “food events” instead. We live in a very small house, so hosting has to be done during the summer months. Our events typically are attended by between 20-30 people. Not a ton, but not an insignificant number either.

Last summer, just as we were getting ready to host an event, we were headed home from the store and I was running down my to-do list in my head. Because our house is so small, and the only access to the bathroom is through the mudroom, kitchen, and our bedroom, I feel the need to clean the whole house. I’m a feral housewife, not a domestic one, so I keep the house lived-in, but not spotless. I mentioned to Jay that maybe we should just rent a porta-potty for our BBQs, then no one would have to go through our house to get to the bathroom

As soon as the words left my mouth, I remembered that Bill built a collapsible outhouse to use at the livery we ran 20-ish years ago. I knew for a fact that it was still standing at the lodge, so I called Mom to see if I could have it.

She was kind enough to say yes, and the next time I was up there, we disassembled it and loaded it onto the back of her truck. It was definitely worse for wear, but I was confident that we could revive it.

There was no way I could get the outhouse ready for the upcoming gathering, but looked forward to getting to use it for this year’s events.

I managed to assemble the outhouse, but not at all the way Bill did it. He’d designed it to fold flat, and then be stood up, like a cardboard box, but there was too much damage to some of the support structures to do that, and I had to replace them. It was a really cool design, but I couldn’t replicate it. Since my intention was not to have to move it from place to place, I figured I’d just screw it all together and not worry about its relocation potential.

All laid out and getting its cat scan

Bill had built it on a pallet with some linoleum flooring, but the pallet disintegrated when we took the outhouse apart. Pallets are not in short supply around our house, so I replaced the pallet and added some stick ‘em vinyl planks. 

Once I had the fancy floor in, it was time to assemble the walls. I think Bill's intention, in addition to making it moveable, was to make it so that one person could set it up and take it down. That one person, of course, being him. Since it was no longer the fold-flat design, I had to have help holding the walls up as I screwed them together.

The plywood roof had been too damaged to keep, so the outhouse remained an open-air version of itself until I could find replacement roof. Mom had some left-over shingles and a sheet of plywood that would work, so the next time Chief came over to work on Maggie, I asked him to put the roof up, too.

The kids' friends are certainly handy to have around.

Mom had offered me their chemical toilet that we’d used with the outhouse, but once I started looking into the waste disposal I passed. Bill always handled the waste disposal, and let me tell you, I had no idea what really went into it. He’d come to the livery every morning, take the toilet to the lodge, do some magic, and bring it back a little bit later ready to use.

I started looking into alternatives and came across some bags meant to line 5-gallon bucket toilets. Additionally, there is a gel to add to the waste that turns it into a compostable solid. The whole bag, once solid, becomes compostable. But let me tell you, no human waste is going into my garden. The bag o’ stuff can just compost at the county dump, not our house.

I’m not opposed to the 5-gallon bucket camping toilet set-up, but was certain I could find something better - and I did! An old chamber pot cabinet. I picked it up from FB marketplace for next to nothing. It's a little rough and needs some sanding/finishing, but I love it. It doesn't look very big, but the bucket is about a gallon, which should be plenty for a gathering of our size.

By the end of October last year, the outhouse was ready for use.

But, then winter hit, and with it, the winds. Stupid Colorado winds blew the outhouse over and knocked the roof clean off. I let the outhouse lie on its side for a while, then got motivated to put the roof back on and stand it back up. It stood without a problem for a few months until another big gust knocked it over again.

I knew by then that I needed to anchor it in some way, and bought some big screw-in ground anchors from the jungle website. Jay and I stood it up yet again. The anchors were awesome and had a bit attachment for my drill that would help drive them into the ground.

Except, I didn’t take into account that our ground is so rocky. Even with the drill, the anchors weren’t going into the ground. The outhouse was standing, and I decided figuring out the anchors was a problem for another day. My mental solution was to borrow Mom’s auger, drill the holes for the anchors, throw in a handful of concrete, backfill it, water it, and then the anchors wouldn’t be likely to pull out and the outhouse would stand despite our stupid winds.

The morning of our most recent gathering, the outhouse was still standing, but I mentioned to Jay that we really should get the anchors in the ground, just in case. We had time that day, but got busy doing other things while getting ready. As the party time got closer, I mentioned it again, not really wanting to get out the auger and drill holes, but thinking we should probably do it. We discussed it and Jay said, "it'll be fine unless we get some tornado-type winds". Giving into my lazy side, I agreed, then went about getting it ready for the get-together. I lined the chamber pot, added toilet paper to holder, and mounted the remote for the solar light on the wall. I then moved our handwashing station from the shop out next to the outhouse.

Only one thing left to do - take it for it's maiden voyage. So, I did. I had to pee anyway, why not use my handy dandy outhouse? It was a good thing I did, too. 

I realized that the door didn't latch from the inside, the door wasn't hanging square, not that it really ever did, but it was off just enough that latching it was not going to happen. It was an easy fix, took three minutes, and we were ready for people!

It stormed off and on for the hour before people were due to arrive, but the blue sky appeared and it looked like we dodged the biggest part of the storm. Jay was just getting ready to light the grill when the wind shifted and got violent. Really violent, like the edge of a tornado violent. It only lasted about five minutes, but when all was said and done, the outhouse with it's fresh liquid gold deposit was laying on its side again.