Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Just Because It's Not Monday

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic



Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a .. .

Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.

Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Jack
P.S. You let go

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely,
The Pope

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....

Sincerely,
United States


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely,
Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?

Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!

Sincerely,
Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

6 comments:

Mr. Daddy said...

And speaking of Noah...why didn't he just swat those two mosquitoes??????

thanks for sharing I needed MOST of these today....LOL

Leiah said...

Oh my hell - I totally just spewed water all over my desk. Now my boss thinks I need a helmet.

This was greatness!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Wow! That was an awesome list! :)

Rachel said...

Awesomeness!!!

Loved the imaginary friend bit ;)

oregonsunshine said...

I sent a link to this to Bad Pants while he was on a conference all. He *almost* didn't hit mute in time to silence his laughter!

Maggie said...

I just sat here and giggled like an idiot...mission accomplished?