Monday, December 13, 2010

Oh Lord, Ashinator's 18!

I know I don't look much older than 18 myself, so I know it's going to be really hard for you to believe that I could possibly have a daughter who is just turning 18.

Rather than getting all sappy about my little girl getting all growed up on me, I thought I'd share a funny story about her birth (don't worry, she knows about this story).

I knew, from Digger's birth, that I don't do well with babies that don't look like babies.  Giving birth is a dirty, slimy, bloody business and I do much better once the baby's been cleaned up and looks like a baby.  Armed with that knowledge, I asked the doctor not to place Ashinator on my bare belly after her birth. 

I understand why they do it.  I know that the majority of women love it and feel that it helps them begin to bond with their baby.  I, however, had no desire whatsoever to have a slimy, bloody baby plopped down on my jelly belly.

I made my wishes very, very clear to the doctor and nurses.  I told them they could plop her down on my jelly belly as long as they put a towel down first.

So the time comes.  I manage to birth my second child and the doctor immediately flops her slimy, bloody body down on my bare jelly belly.

That's when the dry heaves started.

I'm sure I made quite an impression (probably not a good one) when, between retching bouts, I told them to get her off of me!

Yep, I almost threw up on my beautiful daughter.  How's that for a "welcome to the world, baby, we love you"?

Even if I had puked on her, I'm sure she would have still grown up into the beautiful young woman she has...




And - any dirty old men out there who might be getting their jollies by looking at my gorgeous daughter - remember that I earned the nickname GunDiva and I am armed.

12 comments:

Aunt Crazy said...

Happy Birthday!!!

That is a GREAT birth story!!!

sarahsmile3 said...

Too funny! Your daughter is beautiful. I love her hair!

Mrs Mom said...

Ah, the need to remember ASH can shoot TOO! ;)

Diva, you can NOT possibly have her turning 18. Not. We're the same age dammit!!


She is a lovely young lady, and knowing you, I am sure she is even more awesome INSIDE than she is outside. ;)


Oh-- and birth stories?? Yeah... oldest of mine (now 13). Bad bad bad birth- my girl parts did not work as they were supposed to. Dr says, Baby is FINALLY crowning! Do you want to reach down and touch his head?

I looked Doc and nurses in the eye. Said, FUCK THAT. Get. It. OUT. Get. It. Out. RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW! I'll have PLENTY of time to touch the baby when he is HERE! Nothing is ever dull huh? ;)

Rachel said...

She is beautiful! Happiest Birthday Ash!

Allenspark Lodge said...

That's our oldest grand-DAUGHTER. Isn't she a beaut?!!! And yes, she is an absolute sweetheart inside, too, especially when she's working at the Lodge. I was also going to remind people, she can also shoot - and I think she has fine tuned some marshal arts skills (she used to wrestle, as in 'on a school team')!

Happy Birthday, Babe - even though we celebrated yesterday.
Love ya,
Grandma and Papa

Mama Gayle said...

I said the same thing... I didn't want my kids on me until they were all shiny and clean:) That was funny that you were heaving!

Ash looks very pretty!! All of those pictures turned out wonderful, I thought the 1st one was my favorite, but the 3rd one is too.
I can't really tell, but it looks like she is fair skinned like me (I like to call it porcelin:).

GunDiva said...

It's only because we took her senior pictures in the winter. The brat has beautiful skin that gets the perfect golden tan in the summer. Brat.

Mr. Daddy said...

Happy Birthday Ash!!!

And even if I did rob the cradle with Rach... I don't think that, that qualifies me as a dirty old man...

just saying....

ROFL

Maggie said...

Beautiful girl, and an awesome story! I can't believe you almost puked on your kid! :-)

Happy Birthday Ash!!!

K. Erickson said...

Well, now we know of two things that make GunDiva puke. I will refrain from making any comments about Ash's looks for two reasons: 1) I am happily married, and we just won't go there; and 2) the last time I commented approvingly about someone's female relative I was informed that she was only 14. I had to go shower the dirty old man off of me fast.

GB Girl said...

She is gorgeous! Congrats on her 18th. Happy Birthday, Ashinator!

Candance said...

She's sooo beautiful!! Hope she had a super happy 18th b-day!!

Your birth story is funn-y! It made me laugh out loud!