Sunday, January 10, 2010

A Cragislist Rant

Note:  A friend of mine from work found this on Craigslist and thought of me...

To the Thug Latino Guy With the Dumb Looking Mustache Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Miami night before last:

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your "Mami" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vagabond, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The phone company just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life and the kind of crap that you put other people through every day.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,


P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes a civil society!

Location: Miami

GunDiva's Note:  Boy, I hope that I remember the whole take his shoes, wallet and cell phone thing if anyone thinks to mug me.  That, my friends, was a stroke of pure genius!  Possibly, calling the DA's office was over the top, but you gotta give Alex an A+ for inventiveness.


Mad Woman said...

HAHA! That was great! I would have crapped my pants too!!

Mrs Mom said...

LOL We saw a Savannah version of that too. My husband (a range master) Cracked Up. Totally.

Came here via Mel- looking forward to reading more!

GunDiva said...

Mad Woman and Mrs Mom - glad you enjoyed it. I 'bout peed myself laughing when I got it.

adrienzgirl said...

I got you added to the blogroll at LIB! :D

Tricia said...

lol too funny

Alex said...

I just had a squizz at your slideshow and how the heck do you have 3 teenagers? You look about 15! Impressive!

Anonymous said...

Pure genius...Hilarious. i love it when karma bites people in the ass!

Anonymous said...

There is a reason I carry a Glock .45 in my purse. :-D

noelle said...

i love this!

i'm a new follower now...jumped over here from lose it, bitch!

p.s. i love guns, too!