Saturday, March 20, 2010

How Dare You!

I've been trying to figure out how to post this blog, as it's still painful for me, so if it doesn't flow or even make any sense, please bear with me.  This looks to be a long one, so pour yourself a drink and settle in.

Asheebutt and her boyfriend, CJ, have been together for eight months.  In high school years, they're an old married couple.  I adore CJ and am forever endebted to him for suggesting Dashurie as a pet instead of another dog.  As with any high school romance, theirs is by turns perfect and awful, but that's how we learn how to deal with "adult" relationships, right?  High school's just a proving grounds for what you want out of a relationship as an adult.

The morning of their eight month anniversary, CJ's mom texted Ash while she was in class.  Did she say anything nice?  Nope.  She started in with how my daughter's not good enough for her son and how there are so many other girls out there that are better for him.  Pretty upsetting stuff for a seventeen year-old to have to put up with.  Ash was angry, but basically told CJ's mom to get over herself and grow up (have I mentioned that I love this child?).  This was literally an attack out of nowhere.  Completely blindsided Ash. 

Later that day, during lunch, Ash told CJ what happened and CJ showed her all of the texts his mom had sent him.  Basically, they all said that he could find someone better and that Ash was cheating on him and was no good for him.  Again, completely out of nowhere and completely unfounded.

Now, CJ's mom, let's just call her Crazy Narcissistic Bitch, CNB for short, is unlike any other single mother I've met.  Most have been like me; just working their butts off to make life a little bit easier for themselves and their families.  Not CNB.  No, she's a stay-at-home single mother (not that that's bad, i just don't understand how she can afford to be a SAHM) who feels like she has to control every move her son makes.  Not that he's her only child, mind you, just that he's the one she's formed an unhealthy attachment to.  To hear CNB talk, CJ's the only child she's got.  I've never heard her acknowledge her daughters, one of whom lives at home with her and CJ.

There is so much wrong with this woman, I don't even know where to start!

So, after she managed to ruin their eight monthiversary, she got a little less hostile toward Ash, but that was temporary.  We're talking a day or two.  Now, Ash has been telling me for months that CNB is nuts.  Silly things like, they may lose their electricity because they don't have money to pay for it, but CNB went out and bought a Wii.  CJ has lettered in lacrosse for the last two years.  The kid wants a letter jacket.  That strikes a chord with me, because when I lettered in track, my mom did everything in her power to make sure I got my letter jacket.  They're not cheap, I know that.  CNB can't afford one because she'd have to do without something.  I can't even remember what it was she bought in place of the jacket, but it was a high ticket item for herself.  Her mis-management of money drives Ash up a freaking wall, simply because all CNB would have to do instead of whining about being broke is get a job.  (Yeah, I know the economy sucks, but there are jobs out there, it wouldn't kill the bitch to flip a burger or two.)

A couple of times, Ash has come home from CJ's upset about comments that CNB has made to her about how she was raised.  Now, my daughter will take pretty much anything, but you attack any aspect of her family and it's game on.  We talked about it and decided that CNB can pretty much believe anything she wants about how I raised Ash, but we know the truth, which is I worked my ass off to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.  Yes, it meant I worked long hours and didn't see the kids a whole lot, but they know how much I love them and that I'd do anything for them.  We did without, but you can be damn sure we didn't lose our electricity because I wanted to buy something for myself instead.

Anybitterbitching, CNB's hostility has been escalating towards Ash, to the point that I wasn't comfortable letting Ash go to CJ's.  In fact, the last night that she went over there, we had a discussion about the excalating hostility and I warned Ash that if CNB laid a hand on her, I'd throw her ass in jail.  (What I would really like to do involves and empty lot and  many shovels full of dirt.)  Just as I dropped her off, I asked again if she wouldn't rather have CJ over to our house.  She declined, seeing, as I would have, that to do so would mean that CNB had won.

I dropped her off, went back home and was working on the computer when I got a phone call from Ash  Jokingly, I answered the phone, "Do I need to call the cops?"

What I got was my daughter sobbing, barely holding herself together long enough to say, "Mom, please come and get me."

"Honey, are you okay?"

"Just please come and get me right now!"  Her desperation reached through the phone and slapped me.

I jumped into my shoes and made the best time I've ever made getting to CJ's house.  I called her on the way to let her know I was coming and could hear CNB screaming in the background.  "Does CJ need to come home with us?" I asked.

"He won't leave.  Mom, she won't stop.  She won't stop."

I had no idea what CNB wouldn't stop doing, but whatever it was was scaring the everloving shit out of my daughter, so I asked, "Do I need to come in and get you?"

"No.  Just let me know when you're here."

I pulled up in front of CNB's house and called Ash to let her know I was there.  A giant part of me wanted to bust down the bitch's front door and run in to rescue my daughter, but the logical part of me reminded me that going to jail wouldn't help the kids out at all.

Through the enclosed front porch I could see CJ and Ash in the entryway, clinging to each other and sobbing.  CNB was nowhere in sight, which I took as a good sign.  A few minutes later, CJ walked Ash out to the car and they stood outside the car sobbing as though their lives had ended.  My thought was that CNB had forced them to break up, because they obviously were distraught (an understatement) and whatever had happened hadn't been by their choosing.

Ash collapsed into the car seat, buried her face in her hands and let loose.  I thought she'd been crying hard before, but that was nothing compared to the anguish that poured out of her.  I watched CJ trudge back up the driveway to his house, and collapse just inside the porch door.  CNB appeared at that moment.  She didn't even glance at CJ curled up in the fetal position at her feet, crying as though his heart had been ripped out of his chest.  No, instead she fixed her glare on Ash.  She stood in the doorway of the house, arms crossed, illuminated from behind and gave my daughter the death stare.  I've never, ever seen anyone as scary as that woman.  Hollywood's got nothing on CNB.

I let my car idle in front of her house for a few minutes, giving her a death stare of my own, before telling Ash to buckle up so we could go home.

I still haven't gotten all of the story out of Ash, but I can pretty well piece it together.  CNB had given permission for Ash to go over to the house to spend some time with CJ.  She then allowed them a half hour or so of time by themselves before she sprung the trap.  Just like her text attack on Ash, this came out of nowhere.  She came screaming into the room and started in on Ash, literally inches from her face.  When she ran out of vileness for Ash, she started in on CJ, but just for a breather, because before Ash knew it, she was back to attacking her.  Ash said that at a couple of points during the attack, she was sure that CNB was going to physically attack her and that she almost wanted her to, because then Ash could throw her in jail and CJ would be out of the situation.

Ashinator admitted to fighting back with some not very nice words that maybe I'm not so sad about teaching her after all.  My kids know that they have to be respectful towards adults, but they also know that I'll back them up every time in a situation like this.  I'm damn proud of my daughter for standing up for herself against that mad woman; I'm not sure I could have at her age.  Wait, I know I couldn't have done that at seventeen.

Throughout this whole thing, what was Ash upset about?  CJ being stuck in that abusive household.  She was upset about what CNB said about me, but she was devastated that CJ had to live with her.

I know this post has gone on forever, so let me wrap it up (which may still take a little bit of time).  I got Ash home and safe.  CJ went to his dad's house, where his dad welcomed him with open arms.  They were both terribly upset - and rightfully so - so I took Ash over to CJ's dad's house for a little bit.  The man is delightful, despite what CNB had said about him.  He managed to calm both of them down and made sure Ash was home at midnight.

A couple of days later, I got a friend request on FB from CJ's dad.  We've been talking back and forth; my main concern is for CJ living in an obviously abusing household.  My daughter will never return to CNB's house - and she's the one who said it (I agree wholeheartedly) - because I may be a lot of things, but I won't allow my child to be abused by anyone.  This is what he had to say in one of the posts...

During our divorce I ordered a custody evaluation. CNB flunked her psychological evaluation. I believe she is suffering from a variety of personality disorders, if not outright bi-polar. She was shown to have extremetly unrealistic views of her own virtuousness (i.e. narcissism), and attempted to lie her way through the psych questionaire. The cocktail of prescription drugs that she routinely overuses certainly can't be helping. Despite the evaluator's conclusion that she had a very unhealthy "care-giving" relationship with CJ, had major issues regulating her anger, and was emotionally manipulative with those around her, the evaluator decided that, given his age, it was in CJ's best interest to let him decide where to live.
This breaks my heart, because the very next day, CJ moved back in with his mother.  This is a cycle of abuse (I refuse to pretty it up and call it a "pattern of behaviour" it's abuse, pure and simple) that he's grown up with and it's what he knows and is comfortable with.  How sad is that?

Crazy Narcissictic Bitch - How dare you do this to your own child?

He's a sweet, gentle-hearted soul. 

You are killing him a little more every day. 



Mrs Mom said...

Two words come to mind GD:


Asheebutt-- you hang in there baby.

Allenspark Lodge said...

Many (MANY) years ago when I was in high school, some "old" biddy told me "You should enjoy these years! They are the best years of your life". My thoughts at the time...SHOOT ME NOW.
This will end Asheebutt, and it will be worth the wait.
P. Bill

Dual Mom said...

Wow! I hope she never finds your blog Gundiva or she's going to apeshit on you. Or perhaps you'd like a reason to confront her?

I think CJ's eyes will eventually open. If he's got a dad that supportive and obviously sane he knows that his mother is doing is wrong. All you can do is try to be there for him whenever he needs a friend.

Bitch will get hers.

K. Erickson said...

This one rubs me wrong in so many places I don't even know where to begin. I'll make it simple and leave it at this: Tell CJ, if he needs to talk to an impartial man who has been where he is now, give me a call.

Vinomom said...

That is really really heartbreaking. I suspect CJ feels a need to take care of his mother somehow and maybe protect his sibling in the house. Otherwise I'm sure he would be living at his fathers.

He sounds like an adorable kid and I hope he is able to weather the storm and come out ok. Sounds like he's pretty well balanced.

As for your daughter - what a horrible ordeal for her to experience. I don't know how you kept yourself from confronting her. I would have flipped the fuck out.

Candance said...

I agree with Vinomom about why CJ stays with him mom and it's sad. I hope his dad can help him see the light soon because that woman sounds like she's barely hanging on and God help everyone when she finally goes off the deep end.

So sorry for your daughter having to be caught in the middle of this. She sounds like a strong girl and like she has a good head on her shoulders, though-like maybe she had a single mama that raised her right.

T!nK said...

Oh GunDiva I hope she DOES find your blog. I hope she DOES go apeshit on you, maybe even start a blog of her own, because I am chomping at the bit to go in on this crazy bitch. Now, I haven't liked alll of my brother's girlfirends... and I have had to stick my foot in my mouth a few times, but the way she is behaving is completely inappropriate. Oh I can't wait to use my flight privileges to go out to Colorado. Poor CJ. Poor ash. This makes me soo mad, I can't even talk.

Finding Pam said...

Gun Diva, I am sad for these young kids to have to deal with someone so crazy.

I can't understand why even a crazy mom would act this way. I hope your daughter will get past this. CNB might go postal on them so I would want to know where your daughter is all the time. Maybe change her phone number or something.

It is good to keep a journal of this stuff just in case you need it for a restraining order.

It is a terrible thing to have to go through, I am glad she has a good mom like you.

Mad Woman said...

Oh I am just itching to take this bitch on in a fight. People like this make me so mad!!! What a horrible thing for Ash to go through...and good for you. I would back her up as well!

Quixotic said...

Whoa. I'm not even sure where to start. I agree with Vinomum about why CJ is probably staying there. Ashinator may just be the most evolved teenager ever. And there's no way I would've had the restraint and realisation that jail doesn't help your kids to not smack that door down.

Taylorvillegirl said...

Wow. That is a horrible situation for CJ to be in. Unfortunately I see family members get sucked into their loved ones' mental health issues all the time. They don't even realize the hold it has on them until they get some help or get out. He's lucky to have a supportive Dad and you guys.
Your daughter sounds awesome. I'm impressed with her maturity and so sorry she had to go through that.
I'm also very impressed with your restraint. I would have freaked out on that nasty bitch.

GunDiva said...

I just received an email from CJ's dad letting me know that he's reported this incident to Child Protective Services. They may or may not act on it, but at least an official complaint has been lodged. He apologized for not doing it earlier, but had wanted CJ to come to the decision to leave his mom's on his own.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. Ash and I both appreciate it.

Linda Medrano said...

This woman is not only crazy, she's totally batshit crazy! Perhaps someone can institutionalize her! Damn!

Mommy Lisa said...

that is just terrible. Sair dated a boy with a crazy mom, but she was not that bad.

One time we went to pick him up and she came to the car door, as she had not met me yet, I told her we enjoyed having her son over because he was so nice and respectful. She snorted and said, "Yeah, right!" IN FRONT OF HIM....totally embarassing for all of us in the car.

Aunt Crazy said...