soulmates

I'm very blessed in the friend department.  This blanket-turned-tapestry was a gift and I loved it so much I couldn't bear to use it as a blanket, so it's helping to insulate the brick wall.  With the cold weather moving in, I'm sure it will be helpful, as this is the largest exposed brick wall in the apartment.

I just have to say, my next horse has some big shoes to fill.

Not A Perfect Day

Yesterday, I lost the equine love of my life.

Despite that, and the ensuing heartbreak, I have a lot to be thankful for.  First, Mom immediately identified the colic and started treatment.  One of the wranglers from the livery was able to give Estes some IV banamine to ease her pain until the vet arrived.

Bill called me at work and my coworkers were wonderful; I had another instructor cover my class, so I was free to head up the hill as soon as I got my class started on their project.

The vet beat me to the lodge by about 45 minutes, so by the time I got there, Estes was gorked out of her mind and in no pain.  Mom had stood with Estes' head in her hands for three hours by the time I got there.  I loved on Estes and allowed her to graze (even though the vet wasn't super excited about it) for five minutes or so.  My mindset was that if this was her last day on earth (which we didn't know at the time), I was NOT going to deprive her of a few mouthfuls of grass, especially if she wanted it.

I was cautiously optimistic that she was looking better, though I knew it was probably due to the drug cocktail flowing through her system.  I went to bed hoping that she'd be feeling better when it was time to give her her 3:00 am dose of banamine.  She was resting quietly and didn't seem to be in any distress in the wee hours of the morning, so I loved on her and gave her the meds.

At 6:30 am, Compass called and said I needed to get over, that Estes was down.  I'm thankful that Compass was up that early and thought to look over at our pen.  By 7:00, her pain was gone.  If Compass hadn't been up working with her horses, Estes might have continued to lay in her shed in pain until I got up at 8:00.

Things just kind of fell into place.  I had the means and ability to end her suffering and I was surrounded by people who cared.  Mom and Bill were amazing.  I was alone when I put Estes down, but they were there within seconds, sobbing right along side me.  I know it hurt them as much as it hurt me to lose her.

I don't know what I would have done without them.  While I managed to find the strength to do what needed to be done, I did not have the strength to cover her with a tarp.  I couldn't do it.  So Mom and Bill did.  Estes had bled on her halter and I was going to just throw it out, but they took it off of her and Bill washed the blood out for me, all without saying a word.

They helped me figure out what to do with a 900# carcass, which wasn't easy.  I don't own any property, so I couldn't bury her - I had to figure out what to do.  Mom put in a call to their neighbor who owns heavy equipment and had to leave a message.  He does a lot of construction projects around the area, so they were prepared to go hunt him down to see if he could load Estes onto the truck.  Rarely does he ever check his voice mail, so it was a surprise when he called back.  Bill told him what we needed and he was at the lodge within five minutes.

Bill oversaw the details that I couldn't handle.  I stayed in the lodge while their neighbor put her on the back of the truck and then Mom and Bill re-tarped her and strapped her down.

I was going to follow the truck down to the rendering plant, but Bill suggested that maybe he follow me.  It's the little things that I wouldn't have thought of.  I'm glad that I wasn't behind the truck, watching my tarped baby ride along.

At the rendering plant, Bill stayed with me while I paid for her disposal and then I climbed back in the truck so I didn't have to watch them unload her.  I did, however, watch them once they got her off of the truck - I couldn't NOT watch them take her away, but they did it gently and, I feel, with dignity.  She still managed to look regal.

Not only am I super thankful that Mom and Bill were with me every step of the way, I'm unbelievably grateful that there are people who do the jobs that the rest of us couldn't imagine doing.

Jay and the kids were shell-shocked, I think.  Really, so was I.  Yesterday I was numb.  Today, the numbness is gone, replaced by a deep sense of loss - almost that something has been ripped away from my soul.

My online friends rallied and brought me comfort throughout the day.  Mrs Mom wrote a beautiful piece about Estes that I would not have been able to compose. 

Ashinator posted this on Facebook, which still makes me cry:

this morning, the world lost one firecracker of a horse and holy cow- her and my mom were quite the pair. my whole heart is going to miss Estes, but knowing she's safe and at peace across the rainbow bridge makes it all just a little bit better.

And Rachel spent a great deal of the night texting with me since I couldn't sleep.  She also sent me this amazing picture of me and Estes:

Despite it being a horrible day, it could have been much worse if things hadn't fallen into place the way they did.

Today, this is my theme song.  It's called "Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On" by Jimmy Buffett.  I suspect it will be my theme song for the next bit as I adjust to not having her in my life.

New Ink

Last week, I finally got in to get my new tattoos.  As I've said in the past, my tattoos all mean something to me and these are no different.  And, as I've said in the past, these will probably be my last tattoos.  After all, I've got pretty much everyone/everything who means anything to me covered.

Okay, I can handle this...
just breathe

Ouch, ouch, ouch

Love this picture...
It looks like I've actually been branded

Done!
Estes' brand on the left,
the kids' on the right.

Well.

The best-laid plans and all that.

Sunday quickly turned into a 48-hour nightmare (or more - what day is today?).  On my way up to the Lodge, I got a call from Bill telling me that Estes was colicking.  We don't panic about little belly aches with our horses, for that call to come in, she had to be in a BAD way.  I've got all of the updates, etc. up over at Tales and Mom and Bill have their version on their blog.

The long and short of it is, Estes looked death straight in the eye (or eye of the needle in this case - she was slated to be euthanized) and stuck her tongue out.  It means that Mom, Bill and I spend the last two nights sleepless and giving round the clock care to Her Highness.  They managed to not neglect their guests (barely) and I was a zombie walking in and out of the Lodge at odd hours, covered head to toe in horse dirt, manure, snot and at one point, blood.  I'm so darn sick of these jeans that I've worn since Sunday, my socks should be burned and I gave up on my hair about 47 hours ago.  Since I had just planned on riding on Sunday, I brought nothing with me.  No change of clothes, no deodorant, no meds.  Luckily, I always have a contact lens case and eye ball juice up here, otherwise I'd've really been a mess.

I thought I gave up getting up every two hours throughout the night when the kids were little.  But it's amazing how quickly it comes back.

I woke up this morning absolutely exhausted and couldn't figure it out; afterall, I only had to get up *once* last night for Her Highness.  It dawned on me as I walked back from checking on her and my heart started racing.  I haven't taken my meds since Sunday; I was so consumed with taking care of the equine love of my life, I'd forgotten about me.

Today's back to real life.  Queen Estes is feeling so much better, demanding that her humans feed her, and it's Digger's 20th (!) birthday.  Not sure how that happened.  I must have blinked or something, because I swear it was just yesterday I was pushing that little brat out.

Digger, Happy Birthday!  Only one more year before your crazy uncle can take you on your own Pascagoula Run...

Today

Today, I was a busy girl.

I played with this...

Went around the block with Asset...

Went out on the mountain with Bill...

And since I missed Boot Camp yesterday, Nebalee drew me the circuit so I could do it when I went to the gym tonight...

Bill took one look at her beautiful stick figures and said this...

All in all, a pretty darn good day :)

*Sigh* Another Year Dawns

It seems like I didn't have enough time in 2010 to get everything done.  I checked in with last year's resolutions and felt like it was a draw.  No surprise, I'm recycling all four of them for this year and adding one.

#1: Be healthier.  I semi-succeeded with this one, in that I ended the year weighing less than I started the year.  But I'm in worse shape, not better.  This year, I'll be turning the big four-oh.  I so want to hit my birthday forty pounds lighter than I am now.  Turning the big four-oh, forty pounds lighter.  Yep, sounds like a good omen to me :)  Going to check out a gym tomorrow; have to join one.  I'm too much of a wimp to 1) run and 2) run in the cold.  Screw that business.

#2: Write, write, write.  Re-query TALES FROM THE TRAIL.  Finish HUNTED LYON and begin editing it.  Get to work on the second book in the Lyon series, LYON'S ROAR.

#3: Spend more time with my little girl.  Because, let's face it, there's just never enough time to spend with the equine loves of our lives.  I'm even going to take riding lessons while she's at winter pasture so that I can utilize my seat better.  I ride okay and have lots of hours on the back of a horse, but I'd like to have better leg/seat control.  Estes is much better trained than I am; I'd like to be a worthy rider.

#4:  Continue my Master's program.  If I play my cards right and work my arse off, RockCrawlinChef and I will walk together at graduation in 2012.  How cool would that be?

#5: Be a better person.  I'm kind of a catty, snarky bitch.  I'm trying to learn to live and let live.  It's hard.  I've always spoken my mind, hurt feelings be damned.  I grew up believing that you say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said.  I still believe that, but I think I can learn a lot from my Southern friends who can tell someone to go right to hell, give them directions, and make them think it was their idea to begin with.  It's a skill I envy.  I want to be able to bless hearts with the best of them.

Is This Not The Sweetest Thing Ever?

So far this Labor Day weekend has been pretty darn good.  Went shooting with Tara, took Monster up to the Lodge to work this weekend and got to shoot in a Defensive Pistol competition this morning.  I'd say this weekend has been fabulous!

Monster is my problem child; he's not always easy to get along with and has a huge chip on his shoulder.  He's my skater boy, attitude and all, has been in and out of trouble and chooses to live with his father's mother-in-law.  No matter what, he's my baby and I love him (even when there are times I'd like to kill him myself).

Then there are things like this:

...and this...

...and especially this...



...that make my heart so happy.

Estes has claimed Monster as her boy.  Monster can do no wrong as far as Estes is concerned - whatever he asks, she does.  When we arrived at the Lodge Friday night and walked over to tell the horses hi, her head popped up, ears forward and she made eye contact with Monster and nickered.  My horse barely nickers at me, but she was just beside herself to see Monster.  I ceased to exist Friday night.

In fact, watching the two of them, I felt the bond that they have and offered to let Monster ride her.  So here's the thing - Monster doesn't ride.  He's not much of a horse guy.  But he's definitely an Estes guy.

None of the other kids have ridden Estes - they've not been interested.  Monster, though, couldn't wait to get up on her...

Yup, that's my Monster up on my horse.  I had to borrow Bill's horse Ranger to go out.

Really, there are good days. 

And there are really good days.

And then there are perfect days.

Love you Monster and Estes - thanks for taking care of each other.

Pick Up Day

I tried to do this in pictures, but Blogger was pissin' me off, so you get a slideshow instead.

These Boots Ain't Made For Walking,

But that's just what I did.

Remember my favoritest boots on the planet?  These obnoxious babies...

Yeah, I love those boots.  I've been known to pair them with a bathsheet to change propane, or with running pants to start the car, and on occasion, I even wear them with jeans like I'm supposed to.  They've got some good gription on the bottom so if I ever have to hike in the mountains, I don't slip and slide all over the place like I did when I had slick leather soles on my boots.  They are fabulous boots.  Unless you have to hike very far in them.  Then they suck.

Last Monday, I took the day off to go see my baby girl.  She's been out to winter pasture since October last year, and with the weather warming up, I'm getting the horse itch something fierce.  I met my parents and we drove out to the pasture that Estes had recently been moved to with a couple of other horses.

The horses were visible when we parked, so we thought it'd be an easy catch day.

We were wrong.  So Bill tried his patented natural horseman approach to catching horses, pretend to graze.

Mom swears that he's caught many a strange (I mean unfamiliar, not crazy) horse this way.

I think they're both looney.

It didn't work.

The horses went away.

Away-away, not just a few steps.

I'm not sure how big this pasture is but the horses are a good half mile from us at this point,

they kept going.

So we hiked.

And hiked.

And hiked some more.

Bill managed to turn them, and we ran them back to where we started.

Those little snots just had to make sure we earned the right to be in their presence.

Once we got them turned and back to where we started,

Mom was able to walk right up to Paint and catch him, the got an arm around Estes.

Audubon (the trouble maker who took the herd away at the beginning) even deigned to let me touch her.

They'd overrun the grooming supplies, so we hauled their butts back to the supplies.

Estes was a fuzzy mess.  That girl has got hair and then some.

It took forever, because every swipe of Mom's magic rubber curry thingie filled up with hair.

But Estes appreciated it...

She even thanked me.

Trust me, this is as affectionate as she gets.

Mom worked on her mane and tail,

because I. Don't. Do. Hair.

Tell me, is she in horsey heaven or what?

She's got me wrapped around her cute little double ott hooves and she knows it!

One last cuddle before she heads back to the herd.

Random Thoughts In GunDiva's Head

Things that keep me up at night...

• Baltimore got 72" of snow. 
• That's six feet.
• I am 60" tall, so they got a whole foot more snow than I am tall.
• Estes is 14.2 hands tall.  That's 50".
• They got almost two feet more snow than my horse is tall.
• Glad I don't live in Baltimore.
• I'd never find my horse.

It's Hard To Believe...

...that this fuzzy beast...

Cleans up well enough to be a TV star on Horse Master with Julie Goodnight.

I also have a brand-new picture of my little girl, her daughter Meeker and her granddaughter Audubon.  Missy Meeker and Audubon are both preggers, so I guess that makes the picture a four-generation picture, right?  Three on the ground generations and one new in-the-womb generation.

Left to right: Meeker, Estes, Audubon

Thanks Mom and Bill for hunting down my girl and getting me new pictures!

Welcome, New Followers

Since Saturday morning, my followers have almost doubled.  Hell, if I'd known that all I had to do to increase my followers was to publically announce that I've got a polar bear attached to my ass and I have to lose it to gain followers, I would have done it long ago!  So, welcome and here's a quick history lesson of me and my blog(s).

Why "GunDiva" as a name?  Well, that's easy.  I love, love, love to shoot anything that goes bang.  In the past, I've competed in defensive pistol and long-range rifle matches.  I visited my brother in Arizona one year and we went to the Scottsdale Gun Club.  They had a cute little baby-doll t-shirt with "Gun Diva" printed on it.  I bought the shirt and the nickname GunDiva stuck.

This blog started, I guess, as a way to share stories with my family and friends.  It was kind of just a fun way to write.  This blog, my primary one, is kind of a catch-all for anything.  There's no real theme.  I brag about my students, my horse, my kids and my husband.  I also rant on ocassion, the most recent being about an idiot (if she wasn't an idiot, I wouldn't have had to rant) in a movie theater.  And most recently, my blog is being used to document my 1st resolution of 2010 - to become healthier (I'm trying my best not to say "lose weight").

My second blog, Tales From The Trail, arose from my years as a wrangler in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.  I'll be submitting the stories to a publisher (with help from a dear friend and fellow GunDiva) this spring in hopes of getting them published.  Keep your fingers crossed.

My third blog, Lyon's Roar Protection, is a WIP that has been sorely neglected of late.  My hope is to post once a week, but that hasn't been working out so well, with the majority of my energy being directed toward getting Tales published.

I've got three teenagers and a new husband...

...the equine love of my life...

...a cat...

...a step-dog...

...and amazing friends...

I MISS MY BABY GIRL! and 2010 Resolution #3

*Warning: There are lots of links in this post to make up for the loss of pictures from the ITD my computer contracted.*

The four-legged one, not the teenaged one.  I had this whole year-in-review, decade-in-review thing planned for today, but then started my daily blog crawl and it dawned on me how many horse blogs I follow, just look at my profile for the list (note: Preachers and Horse Thieves is not a horse blog, though K. is a hoot and a half; everyone should read his blog).

Maybe it's because I'm sick yet again, which may be a year-end record for me.  Three illnesses in three months, WTH?  I'm never sick.  Maybe it's because she went down to winter pasture much earlier than the other horses and I haven't had nearly enough time with my baby.  Maybe it's all of the horse blogs I now follow.  Who knows?  What I do know is that I miss her so much it hurts.  I just want my baby girl.

I know that she's nearby - in Lyons - with the rest of the herd.  And I know that she's fine.  And I know that it's better for her to be out running with the herd than up at the Lodge where there's no wind cover and it's too cold and miserable to go for a ride anyway.  But damn it, I miss her terribly.  And I'm terribly envious of my horse blog friends who have their horses either home with them or boarded some place close, who can see their babies any time they want to.  And, if the weather's nice, they can just climb on up and away they go.

So, I guess my current year-in-review is going to involve my baby girl, Miss Estes.  She came home shortly before my wedding, and though she couldn't be in the wedding, I had to share our special day with her...

...yep, up and over the fence in wedding dress and boots!

She wouldn't have anything to do with the RockCrawlinChef being in the picture, but A-butt managed to get a nice shoot of me and Estee...We didn't get to the lodge in time for Estee to get a Spa Day, so she's a little rough around the edges in the picture, and still wooly from the cold.  For some reason, A-butt thought it more important for me to get the whole hair and makeup thing done for the wedding than Estes getting a good grooming.  Crazy kid!

We didn't get nearly enough ride time this summer, I'd blame it on a new husband, but that wasn't the case at all.  I'd gotten a big promotion at work, my counterpart quit as soon as we came back from our Honeymoon, and the librarian walked out without notice shortly thereafter.  The education department in a growing college does not run itself.  Thank God for the then-education department-assistant, Amanda.  Recently, she's been promoted to full-time Academic Advisor, but there wouldn't have been any way for me to keep the department running without her.  So, needless to say, my visions of spending a couple of days a week on the trail went by the wayside.  I did mange to get up the hill most Fridays and we got to go out...

We had good days; we had temper tantrums; and we slayed ghosties.  We rode, as usual, in the 4th of July Parade, but those pictures were lost when my computer crashed.  I think RockCrawlinChef has some pictures on his computer, but, honestly, his Mac scares the crap out of me.  They are not easy computers for us PC-types.

Our riding this summer got cut short by an accident in the pen.  We're not sure what happened to spook the horses, but something set them off and Estee ended up sliding off a short ridge and impaling herself on a tree stump that Missy Meeker and Washoe had chewed up a couple of years before.  Luckily, her injuries weren't too severe, but required time off to heal. 

Mom took great care of her and the good news is that the fall seemed to straighten up whatever was causing her to tighten up.  Let's hear it for natural chiropractic adjustments from falling off a ridge.

I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her last summer, which leads us to Resolution #3...

More time with Miss Estes.  At least every Friday, but I'm going to make a point of adjusting my work schedule so that I can make it up at least one additional afternoon a week to spend with her.

What A Nice Surprise!

Nathanael over at This Is How It Feels has honored me with a bit of blog bling, and what a great surprise it was!  Nathanael and I "met" when he was honored with the Honest Scrap award by Monda over at No Telling, I jumped over to his blog and fell in love.  We were both then honored by Monda when we were included in EasyStreet Prompts' Blog Carnival.

When I think about the people I've "met" via blogging, it's rather mind-boggling.  The internet, I know it's been said before, has opened up whole new worlds.  Where else would I have met a gay solder serving in Baghdad or a Southern gal with a passion for writing or another wickedly funny Southern gal or an endurance rider from California?  There are so many people that I've met through blogging that I would never have had the opportunity to meet before.  It truly is astounding.

The rules, as have been explained to me by Nathanael are:

1.) grab the award (check - see above)
2.) post it on your blog along with five things you love to do (Oh Jeez, just five.  I'll have to think about that.)
3.) five others you want to recognize... (Again, only five?)

Things I love to do: (in no specific order)

1. Ride my horse, Estes.  You can find the story of how I fell in love with her over at my other blog, Tales From The Trail
2. Blog.  Well, write.  I love to write, and blogging is an easy way to connect with people I wouldn't normally get to meet.  I also love my morning blog crawl and can't get through my morning without it; it's my equivalent of reading the morning paper, I guess.
3. Shoot.  Hence the name Gun Diva.  I love the feel of a controlled explosion, which is all shooting really is.  And, hey, I'm pretty good at it.  My friend and fellow Gun Diva, Tara Janzen, is a rifle shooting queen.  Me, I love the handguns.
4. Read.  This kind of ties in with #2; part of blogging is reading.  I get to read small, bite-sized stories daily and look forward to them, but I also love novels.  Really, anything with words.  Hell, I even read shampoo bottles.
5. Work.  I really do love my job and the people I work with; I can't imagine doing anything else.

Recognize Five Others... (again, in no specific order.  Nathanael, you know I'd send this back to you if I could.)

• K. Erickson at Preachers and Horse Thieves.  He was awarded Editor's Pick for the 1st edition of EasyStreet's Blog Carnival.  I jumped over to his blog and immediately followed.  I love his writing and his dedication to his wife.  Here's a man who is head-over-heels in love with his wife and isn't afraid to post it for the whole world.  Oh, and he's got some great stories, too.
• Monda at No Telling and EasyStreet Prompts.  She's a great storyteller and I look forward to her posts everyday.  I'm not sure how I stumbled upon No Telling, but I enjoy it immensely.  And, of course, EasyStreet Prompts has a place in my heart, as my Honorable Mention (posted over at Lyon's Roar) was my first ever blog bling.
• Candance at Crazy Texas Mommy.  I love this woman!  Her posts are guaranteed to make me laugh.  Everyone needs a little CTM in their life.  Imagine my surprise when I was talking to my brother in Arizona one day and he asked if I'd ever read CTM.  We both found her blog at about the same time and fell in love.  Shortly thereafter my step-dad started following CTM, so now it's kind of a family cult thing.  So...that sounds a little creepy.  Didn't mean it to come out that way.
• Roxanne at Pet Blog.  Her stories about Verne the horse trader keep me in stitches.  I love the way she's able to bring his stories to life in so few words.
• Bill and Juanita at It's A Horse Life.  Okay, so there's a bit of nepotism here, they are, after all, my parents.  And I was the one who not only talked them into blogging, but set it up for them.  It started as just a way to share some of their favorite stories and recipes and stay in touch with their guests, but they're really taken it and run and their hits counter is burning up. 
  

That was tough, only choosing five.  Please check them out; I think you'll enjoy them.  And be sure to tell them I said 'hi' when you stop by.

Germs, germs, go away.

No, really, I mean it.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Just two weeks ago I had the head cold from hell while my daughter was down and out with the flu.  I took a sick day for the first time in a very, very long time, rallied and got my sorry butt back to work.  I truly believed that the household was out of danger from the flu, despite the fact that AshLynne's boyfriend had tested positive for it and had spend a week home from school and work.  My reason for being so optimistic is that it's been TWO weeks, the incubation period should have been over.  Hmm...not so much.

Yesterday, I felt great.  Went up to Mom's to see Estes for one last time before she came down to winter pasture today.  The weather was crappy up on the hill, even though it was absolutely beautiful down here in town, so we didn't go out on a ride.  I attempted to spend some time with Queen Estes, but she wasn't feeling it.  She'd let me pet and scratch, but the minute I went in for a cuddle or a kiss, she'd turn away.  I'm now thinking that she could smell that I was getting sick.  Horses identify their humans by smell, and if I didn't smell right of course she wouldn't want me in her personal space.  At least that's what I'm telling myself to keep from getting hurt feelings that my baby girl didn't want any cuddles yesterday.  Today, my parents loaded her up and took her to winter pasture in Lyons.  From now until March/April, I'll get limited visits with her, as she'll be turned out with the rest of her old herd (and my parents' horses, which will move down next week) to run loose for the winter.

I'd like to think she was saying "sorry, Mommy."  but I somehow doubt it.

Last night, I had a little cough and a stubborn lung cookie that just wouldn't go away, but I still had no idea I was getting sick.  This morning, I woke up with a little headache and took some Tylenol before I went to work.  Still didn't think I was sick, it was just a freaking headache.  As I was teaching my phlebotomy class (which I LOVE), I kept getting hot, then cold, but I was moving between two rooms and the students had the same complaint.  One room was hot; the other was cold.  Still had no idea I was getting sick. 

My headache got worse, but, you know, it was time for the Tylenol to wear off.  No big deal, just take some more.  My lower back started aching, but, again, I blamed it on something else...the new "grown up" shoes I'd worn to work on Monday.  In all honesty, I never wear heels, and my new shoes have some good heels on them and my back's been hurting ever since.  But, probably, three days after the fact, my back pain should have been gone.

I made it through class, got back to my desk and started coughing until I gagged.  Then the hot flash hit.  Oh shit.  It hit me...this was no bueno at all.  I snuck back into the lab, grabbed the thermometer and zapped myself with it.  101.6  on Tylenol.  Shit, shit, shit.  Can't be right.  Nope.  I'm impervious to microorganisms.  I can't be sick.  I slunk back into the office and handed the thermometer to the Education Assistant.  She zapped me in the other ear.  101.7.  Shit.  Guess that explains the headache and muscle aches.

You know, for working in medicine as long as I have, I'm apparently pretty crappy at recognizing the symptoms of illness in myself.  I'm impervious to microorganisms, I'm impervious to microorganisms...my magic anti-sick mantra didn't help at all today.

They couldn't get me out of the office fast enough and they are probably fumigating the whole thing as I type this.  And they're probably saying that they knew I was sick all along...